Become Just like Matthew and Epp!!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have discovered something amazing.

Apparently this man:


Burt Goldman

Is going to teach you, me, all of us, how to Quantum Jump.


Now, I know what you’re saying. “But, Mr. Devon. That ad says this is for ‘astral projection enthusiasts only.’ Do I qualify?”

Yes.  Yes you do. According to Burt, anyone who wakes up and occasionally doesn’t feel like they’re living the absolutely best life they could be living is qualified for his course.  Apparently he and his copy editor got their lines crossed…possibly because they were in different dimensions.

Plus, as if you needed more selling on this idea, some of the top minds in the world are making discoveries that back up Burt’s claims.  Stephen Hawking and Neil Turok have made discoveries in quantum physics that, according to his website, back up the discoveries taught in this course.

It’s all right here.

The startling thing? With a little tweaking that’s actually sort of almost true.

A lot of people who have read Probability Angels ask me questions like, “So how exactly does Epp travel around?” Or, “How does a tester actually interact with people?”

My answer is always a resounding, “I have no idea.”

On the other hand I try to read a few  science books every so often and this tends to fuel the more out-there aspects of my writing such as, say, probability photographs or time tape.  I would encourage you to read, for example, The Elegant Universe, by Brian Greene. In this book, Greene takes you on a little tour of physics (using NO math) and walks you through various breakthroughs, such as Einstein’s theories of relativity and the like.  And, as you read and slowly learn about relativity and the nature of gravity, you come to learn that science has spent much of the last century doing a very good job of proving that absolutely nothing makes the slightest bit of god-damned sense.

And I’m not saying that in a, “This is way over my head and too complicated so I’m going to make fun of it,” sort of way. Brian Greene is a very good teacher and there are number of other well written books out there on this exact subject and the weird thing is that it’s the points that I get that cause the most confusion.  Like how nobody knows how gravity works.  Or how on the microscopic scale things exist only as probabilities (sound familiar?) and not in any real way in space and time until you measure them at which point they actualize and all the other possibilities manifest themselves in separate universes possibly maybe.  Or, for that matter, how space and time are actually one thing and that mass bends space-time…which sort of explains gravity except it doesn’t at all depending on what scale you’re talking about. And then there’s the double-slit experiment which…


E = shit gets crazy

Anyway, let’s just say that the best part, for me, is the mindsets of the top physicists.  You want to see someone who lives in a state of constant wonder and good humor? Talk to a quantum physicist (okay so I’ve never actually met one and this might be a gross overstatement but the writings of a lot of them seem to back this up…or you can watch them on TV…The Elegant Universe was made into a great PBS special). They sort of have to take the craziness of their work in stride to get anywhere and so you tend to see a very interesting sense of humor there.  Like Noble winner Richard Feynman who, before a lecture once said:

What I am going to tell you about is what we teach our physics students in the third or fourth year of graduate school… It is my task to convince you not to turn away because you don’t understand it. You see my physics students don’t understand it. … That is because I don’t understand it. Nobody does.

Where else are you going to find someone at the start of a lecture doing his best to drive home the point that he doesn’t know what he’s talking about?

What I wound up doing with the characters of Probability Angels was to basically take the coolest, wackiest shit that theoretical physicists have come up with and run with it.  Assuming I understood anything I’ve read about this stuff, and assuming physicists aren’t completely insane, and assuming you could actually take their theoretical work and use it in a real world setting you could conceivably make any electron you wanted to wiggle in a certain way. With that under your belt, you could conceivably wiggle every election in your hand in a certain way. And then you conceivably could wiggle every electron in a desk in a certain way. And if you could exert enough control over every atom in both these things, well maybe you could get your hand to pass right through the desk.

Or if you could take every atom in your hand and make it shake and rub really really hard against all the other atoms that were also shaking and rubbing really hard you could create a large amount of heat and your hand would burst into flames.

Also Kyo has a samurai sword.



Do I understand any of this? No.  At the very least I get a simple theoretical grasp of it but that dissolves the second anyone starts using math, which I’m pretty sure is cheating as far as physics goes.

Do I think theoretical quantum physicists are full of it? No. They have to face the real world just like everyone else and attempt to design experiments to prove or disprove their theories, and the experiments have been matching up with this craziness for awhile now.

Do I think that someday the tricks that Matthew and Epp use may be possible in our world? Sure, what the hell.  There was a point in time when 99% of the stuff sitting on my desk, not to mention airplanes and aluminum and the iPhone, would have seemed like pure necromancy so I like to keep an open mind.  I’m just not crazy enough to think it’s going to happen anytime soon or that it’s in any way a sure thing.

So is Burt form the start of this post really so far off?  Are there alternate dimensions out there that it might be possible to travel to?


And yes.

It’s complicated and there’s a lot of math involved.