I’ve been watching a ton of The Shield recently and Michael Chiklis’ hard knocks style of street-level crime prevention and upper-level corruption creation got me thinking about who was going to step up from amongst the cast to challenge him. I’m only on Season One, so no spoilers please, but right now he’s got the run of the kingdom with no contenders in sight.
There really was only one person that came to mind that I’d want to send in after him…and that thought led to five other television mash-ups that I think the world needs.
So starting at number one we’ve got:
1. The Shield meets 24
Though let’s be honest, this isn’t The Shield meets 24. It’s Jack Bauer meets Vic Mackey. It’s the perfect face off of the two toughest, gray area, not afraid to get dirty cops. And yes, Bauer isn’t so much anti-crime as he is anti-terrorist…but I don’t think it’s too big of a leap to imagine Mackey starting to import some tactical nukes or something in order to keep a case together where he nails an even bigger importer of tactical nukes. Or he could accidentally shoot Bauer’s cousin while trying to plant some evidence. I’m not picky and Mackey is accident prone, so there’s plenty of ways to write it out so that the twelfth worst day of Jack Bauer’s life revolves around another day on the streets for Vic Mackey.
Just picture it. There’d be so much skull busting taking place there would be busted skulls all up in your television’s junk.
2. The Wire meets The Sopranos
I’ll be honest. At first I wanted Vic Mackey to investigate The Sopranos. And then maybe he could drop in on NYPD Blue, and then hit up Dexter and then bounce over to Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader to round things off. As I mentioned, I’ve been watching a lot of The Shield lately and the notion of Mackey going after the mob seemed like a winner.
But then I started thinking about The Sopranos’ style, their slower paced storytelling, their long arcs and their building of tension as well as their low-key and very out of the headlines approach to crime and I knew The Shield wasn’t the right choice. The Wire was. And McNulty, Freeman, Kia and Presbo could build one hell of a case against The First Family of New Jersey. Wiretaps and informants would abound along with tons of brooding looks at the camera and a handy helping of dark, dark humor.
And then, as an homage to both series, the final episode would end with a tender look back at how far we’ve come in the city we love as well as a confusing as shit scene in a diner that resolves nothing.
3. Gray’s Anatomy meets A Flaming School Bus Going Off A Cliff
Yeah, I don’t have all the pieces of this one worked out yet. There could be like an emergency or something…or maybe a field trip. And then the whole cast gets on a bus and then it explodes while going off a cliff. Or something. I guess that’s sort of like Gray’s Anatomy meets Mythbusters?
Works for me.
I don’t like Gray’s Anatomy.
4. The Office meets Mad Men
Back in the day, The Office was a perfect send up of middle management, office politics and English people. It’s long since strayed from its roots and gotten a bit slap-sticky for my taste, but I still think sticking these two groups of suits into the same room would be a surefire success. And if anyone is in need of some serious help with their image, it’s the Dunder Mifflin paper company. But the plot obviously isn’t the point, the point is combining the super smooth veneer of Sterling Cooper with the sweet-spot satire of The Office in order to create some sort of veneered sweet spot. It would be unstoppable. Not to mention you have some perfect match ups, which any crossover hit needs. Don Draper pitching ideas to Dwight and Jim? Sterling and Cooper mixing it up at lunch with Michael Scott? Everyone sleeping together while drunk?
Trust me here. It’s perfect.
5. Lost meets Spongebob Squarepants
They both take place in the tropics.
They both contain a colorful cast of characters.
I have no idea what the fuck is going on in either of them.
Let me paint you a picture: one of the characters wanders into a forest where they encounter a magical bear eating some seaweed, only it turns out that this bear is the ghost of their friend and they need to sing to it so that the ocean can sleep.
That could seriously be an episode in either one of these shows. As they are. Right now.
Let’s just pile them together and get it over with. All hail Spongelost.
And maybe Patrick can get it on with Kate for sweeps week.
I’d tune in.