A weird facet of my personality is that, because I near-compulsively read everything put in front of me, I wind up pondering things that I really have no urge to ponder: bus schedules, cornerstone inscriptions, warning labels on humidifiers, everything.
This morning while at the drug store the negative side of this trait became very apparent while I locked up trying to remember what freaking shampoo I use.
Now, I’m not the sort of person one would describe as a “clothes horse,” or “high-maintenance.” I prefer to wake up, shower, put on whatever clothes are closest to me and start my day. The fewer decisions involved there the better. I went through most of college with my wardrobe narrowed down to two pairs of pants which came to be known amongst my friends as my winter pants and my summer pants.
It was an ideal situation.
As I mentioned, a far less ideal situation occurred this morning while I was trying to restock my shampoo. Standing in the aisle at Duane Reade I completely froze when I started scanning over my selection.
Let’s take a look at some of Pantene’s products, shall we?
This one is “Smooth.” It gives you smooth hair.
Okay. I actually get that one seeing as how “smooth” is a word I might use to describe hair. Oh, if I had only grabbed this one and moved on.
This one is for full and thick hair. We’re getting into vaguely pornographic terminology here but I can still sort of understand what this one does. The only problem is I don’t quite get if this is a result that I want. Is my hair thick? Is my hair thin? If my hair is thick already and I use this stuff will I wake up in a week with giant knotted cords hanging off of my head?
This one provides breakage defense, because my hair is now the offensive line of the Indianapolis Colts.
Here we go:
Extra straight. Again, I sort of get this one. Straight is a word I would use to describe hair. Except the copy on the back tells me that this is “for straight hair that looks defined and disciplined.”
How the fuck do I know if my hair looks disciplined? Should I ask my hair to master a martial art or run an Iron Man to see how much discipline it has? Or is there a separate shampoo for hair self-discipline and this is for all outside forms of discipline? It’s winter. I wear a hat a lot. Is that like discipline for my hair?
Now you’re just kidding me, right? Ice Shine? Am I an X-man?
What on earth can these things actually be doing to my hair? How can they make it thicker? Once it pops out of my head isn’t that pretty much as thick as it gets? How can they make it ice-shinier? What does that even mean? The description on the back says I should use this one as, “a foundation to an ice-shining look.”
Because that clears everything up.
And what happens if I start mixing and matching these in my bathroom, late at night, lightning erupting outside while I create a vat of super-shampoo? I mean, fuck, if I can get my hair to be disciplined and strong with a super straight defense of ice against breakage…well that would be some motherfucking hair, now wouldn’t it? I could dress that hair up in a cape and go fight crime after hours.
Nobody else on earth bothers to read these labels, right?
Then I get to the front of the store and they only sell one flavor of Combos in only one sized bag.
Something is amiss here.