As I mentioned the other day, I was away last weekend on a family vacation. This means that I had to board an airplane. And boarding an airplane means I got to read Sky Mall, the single most ridiculous magazine ever printed anywhere. This is not the first blog to be written about Sky Mall, this won’t be the last blog written about Sky Mall, this is simply the most current blog written about Sky Mall.
If you don’t know what Sky Mall is, it’s a phone order catalog that Continental Airlines provides in the seat-back pouch for you to peruse while you fly. I don’t know anyone who has ever thumbed through it who hasn’t immediately begun mocking it mercilessly. It’s the Washington Generals of the airways.
It’s such a weird mix of odd copy and strange products and horrible presentation that…well here:
No. No, I can’t sleep comfortably in any seat. Clearly this man is capable of dozing off having never received the gift of shame. I also could sleep comfortably anywhere if i didn’t care at all what others thought of my shirt, facial hair or gigantic inflatable turquoise rhombus.
Speaking of facial hair, I dare you to name the last catalog in which you saw a mustache, outside of Mustaches Weekly or something.
Alllllll the porn stars get their expense reports done early and then relax for the rest of the flight.
I like this one even thought it’s really not a Sky Mall thing. Technically this is just an odd photo.
Anyway, back to the catalog.
Here are some pajamas:
These are world famous. You know how well the fame of pajamas travels. Granted, footed pj’s aren’t the craziest thing in the world…I guess. If you’re a girl. There’s a certain cuteness to them.
Absolutely no. Just…no. There isn’t a man on the planet who could pull off these hideous things. For girls they were a stretch and, frankly, borderline creepy. On this dude? I mean, Jesus Christ, turn in your testicles and go take a nap with the guy on the giant inflatable trapezoid. And…no.
Sky Mall also has some strange infatuation with products that slip over your head and massage you. There’s this.
Yes. You know this is a good product because the model is deep in thought. Most likely about the movie Tron.
That last one, actually, was featured on the same page at this:
I think we should slap the two of those together for a shiny stainless steel radar head helmet thing.
What would it do? I don’t know. It would massage you while you listen through your monocular to the neighbors. Or something.
Look. What it does really isn’t important.
When your customer base is willing to pay money for this…whatever this is. A suicide kit I think:
Or this lawn yeti:
Or this cat planter limousine (I’m sorry but that cat looks like it’s stepping onto the red carpet to me):
You really don’t need to concern yourself with what your products do perse.
You just sell them.
Using hideous models.