Products that Should Just Give us What We Really Want

I went to buy cereal over the weekend and I came across this:

Apparently the Honey Bunches of Oats people have given up, removed all the other crap from their cereals and are just giving us pure bunches now. I had heard about this, seen ads possibly, but nothing quite prepares you for a face-to-face encounter with a product that has stopped pretending.

Then there’s KFC’s new sandwich, which terrifies the shit out of me on some primal level:

I have absolutely no commentary for this sandwich. They’ve replaced the bread part of the sandwich with fried chicken. Then your head explodes. I’m half I’m proud of KFC for doing this, half think it’s fucking ridiculous and half need to try one so that I can tell my grandchildren about it.

Anyway, these sort of made me long for some other products to take bold new steps and offer me the only thing I like about them in pure isolated form. Like this:

Yeah. You love it.

What? That’s gross, you say? Whatever. I’m not saying you need to put it on everything you eat or devour it by the tube-full, I’m just saying that whenever I eat an Oreo, which is sadly like once every seventeen years, I hate the stupid cookie part. I pretend it’s good but it isn’t and really when I “eat” it I actually twist it off and it discard it or I dunk it in milk to the point where it dissolves and then I’m left with pure filling. Let’s just cut the crap, allow ourselves to purchase the filling, and save the cookie part to be crumbled up and put in ice-cream cakes where it belongs.

Or how about this?

I’ve actually argued the opposite of this before…sort of. I don’t know exactly what the opposite of the idea the above image conveys is, but I’ve mentioned before how movie trailers of a certain ilk always suck me in and then the movie blows. So why not take that to the logical conclusion and have certain Hollywood directors only make the trailers for the piece of shit movies they want to make? I mean, distilled down and reduced to one or two strong images, I actually kind of like Michael Bay’s artistic point of view…granted in a “Wow that would kick-ass painted on the side of a van,” sort of way, but still. If I were to go see a Scorsese movie and they showed a bunch of trailers for Michael Bay movies that never actually were to be made into movies, I think I’d enjoy that.

And finally, speaking of ridiculous movies in places they don’t belong:

I think there are some people out there who enjoy the lush cinematography of the Final Fantasy games. You people are out of your minds. They make no sense, you can’t skip them and…oh yeah…THEY MAKE NO SENSE. The last one I played involved eighteen hours of gibberish about someone’s dead dream world coming back to haunt the lives of a planet obsessed with the world’s crappiest sport.  And even if the plot wasn’t ridiculous, fine, that maybe would be forgivable if every character didn’t slowly make you root against them as the endless movies progressed. I’ve never played a game where I was hoping so desperately to learn the ability to reenact the final scenes of Braveheart with each of my main characters.

I have no clever way of wrapping this up.

Go eat glass, Tidus.