Facebook is Dumb

Facebook is a giant social media thing that is very important and has a movie coming out. Most of my time on Facebook is spent either throwing up quick links on my Joseph Devon page or logging into my personal account so I can make fun of my friends. I wouldn’t say I was a very robust user of the site. Addicted and on nearly constantly thanks to my iPhone, yes, but having spent a bit of this afternoon poking around I must say I that I had no idea what the fuck was going on here.

For instance, did you know that farting has a page on Facebook?

That one gets some points for the dude in the cowboy hat.

Still weird.

This one is just stupid:

Who the hell is a fan of yawning? And more importantly why does yawning have more fans than I do?

I mean, I guess there’s some universality to those two, but seriously? Do people like yawning that much? Enough to be a fan? You can be a fan of a movie or of a game or of a band but can you really be a fan of an involuntary bodily reaction?

This one, now, I can get behind:

I can see that one having tons of fans but is that really the best picture they could find for their fan page?

Way to go the extra distance. Making Out, what all Phosphate atoms love to do.

Hey, did you, while reading this, start to wonder what would happen if you combined some of these pages together? Neither did I. But here it is anyway:
Well done, civilization. Well done.

Back to dumb:

You lose points for calling it pop as well. Also, stop complaining.

In the end…well in the end I have no idea what’s going on but I know it’s fun. And I know I am now a fan of this group:

How to Cook a Hamburger

For the past three and a half years I have managed to hold off on buying a Playstation 3 despite being a ridiculous video game addict. That isn’t a figure of speech. With the proper sequence of video games I could quite easily play video games until I starved to death (I’m thinking Civ into GTA into WoW into Tetris into Bejeweled).

This stupid Red Dead Redemption did what no other game could do and finally made me break down and make the upgrade leaving my old PS2 behind. That and the fact that my PS2 sounds like a band-saw when I turn it on.

For those of you who don’t know what Red Dead Redemption is, it’s a video game where you can pretend to be a cowboy.

That either seals the deal for you or it doesn’t. For me, I used to spend countless hours as a child pretending to be that very thing.  My backyard would become the frontier, sticks would become guns, rocks would become bad guys and bigger sticks would become horses while I played outside in the sunshine and fresh air exercising my imagination. Thank god they finally got it right and now I can be a cowboy by sitting on my couch and staring at my TV.

My point here is that I have nothing worth writing about as I am now a cowboy and haven’t slept much.

So here is an old training video from Wendy’s on how to be part of the Wendy’s team.

Jump ahead to minute 3:40. Trust me.

How to Change the Battery on Your iPhone

Step 1: Go to the Apple store. Get a reservation with an Apple genius. Tell them your battery life has shortened drastically and you think you need a new battery.

Step 2: Have the iGenius run some diagnostics on your phone which tells them the battery is fine, the problem is that there’s weirdness going on with some programs in the background and you need to reboot your phone and start from scratch.

Step 3: Ask to make sure your pictures, music and apps won’t disappear if you do this.

Step 4: Get reassured that this data is all stored on the computer when you sync your phone via iTunes.

Step 5: Forget to ask about contact information.

Step 6: Reboot phone.

Step 7: Oh dear god, no, where are my contacts!?!

Step 8: Weep, weep uncontrollably.

Step 9: Try to figure out why, when iTunes happily chirps that it’s backing up your contacts, what it’s actually doing is pretending to send them to a program that hasn’t existed on a computer since Windows XP.

Step 10: Rejoice! There’s an option to reload your contacts from your SIM card.

Step 11: Realize that this just means the contacts you originally imported into your phone when you first bought it years ago are there. Also realize that you don’t actually know what a SIM card is.

Step 12: Drink whiskey.

Step 13: Hey whayyda minute. Ishn’t my phone backed up like…ALL the time?! Right? Ish…umma… whaddya MEAN Windows 7 threw out the default option that iPhone syncs with how the hell am I…yeah so fuckyou tooo!

Step 14: Repeat Step 12 until pain is numbed.

Step 15: And if I wanna eat pizzsha umm gonna EAT pizzsha and not you not nobody else izzgunna stop me…boobs….*clunk*

My Spam Folder

The level of a criminal’s game must step up in order to fit into the level of the apparatus he is trying to break.

Did that sound smart? The plan was to write something that sounded smart then get across the point that the spam I get here on my site is eight hundred times weirder than the spam individuals get in their email inbox. Right? Good? Okay.

Whenever it comes time to dump my spam box I wind up scrolling through the comments, at first looking for false positives, but then degrading into trying to figure out just what the point of some of these things are. It’s sort of my job to get into the heads of other people, and it’s good clean fun for me to try to get into the heads of weirdos and criminals, so this end result shouldn’t be that surprising. Some part of me wants to figure out what the thinking is behind this stuff.

Some are obvious:

This spammer tried to put a comment on my blog that provides a link to a site that, I have to imagine, sells vicodin. I never actually checked on that but if there’s some other scam at play here then I’m completely out of touch with what’s going on and should just give up, but it seems pretty straightforward.

This one seems equally straightforward at first but then get a little squirrely once you take a look. It’s the same basic concept, only for an online casino:


But…huh? Why does it start off with, “Allow to pass the beast with two backs?”

That’s Shakespeare. It’s from Othello. They’re talking about sex. Shakespeare’s characters, that is, I have no idea what this spammer is talking about.

Did I get this because they know my site is literary based? Is that an attempt at camouflage? Do they think a reader will come along, think, “Oh this is a Shakespeare discussion,” go to their site, sign up, lose $47,000 dollars, and then suddenly realize that something is wrong?

And speaking of nonsensical gibberish:

What possible use could slipping the following comment onto my site serve?

Is someone going to read that and think, “…”

Actually you know what? I can’t even envision a scenario which results in that comment getting anyone in the world to click on the link to learn more. This is clearly some sort of text generating robot that sends non-stop comments to blogs all over the place, “spamming them,” if you will, in the hopes that some blind clicks come through.

And you know what? Some blind clicks must come through because otherwise they would stop trying this ridiculousness (unless there’s some other hack going on, but I’m not a computer super-genius so for the purposes of a wrap-up here we’re ignoring that). And, honestly? The only thing that I could imagine clicking on this verbal spewage is some sort of non-stop clicking robot that goes around randomly clicking on links throughout the internet to serve some other purpose I can’t fathom.

So what we really have here are two robots trying to connect, one forever spouting nonsense, the other forever clicking on nonsense in the hopes that maybe, possibly, some day…

Awww….

And then their children become self-aware and destroy us all.

Writer’s Block

I have absolutely zero idea what to write for today so that means it’s time for random thoughts that have been scribbled on various legal pads throughout my apartment over the past few months to be collected and written down here:

After ten years of living in New York I finally bought one of those subway map shower curtains. It’s better than I ever hoped it would be.

Wives in sitcoms are horrifically mean. Their husbands are morons.

I miss smoking.

I still can’t get over the fact that Marmaduke counts among the more interesting movies coming out this summer.

Why do reporters in the movies lick the tip of their pen before writing?

I have absolutely *no* idea how to go about releasing a book.

I always want to get one of those back rubs from the people at the street fairs in New York but I’m always too scared.

I’ve been doing this for years now and I still don’t understand how computer code works.

When I was in college I was writing a paper on Moby Dick and I noticed that my Word program’s spell-check kept wanting to change “Ishmael” into “fish meal.” I found this so fascinating I wrote it at the end of the paper. My teacher told me it made him laugh out loud. Then he gave me a C.

I, in no way, understand Adrian Brody’s career.

More things should fall under the jurisdiction of maritime law.

I don’t know a single man, woman or child who likes clowns.

I’d like to see a technology developed that would allow me to script my dreams beforehand. At the very least I’d like to be able to choose the setting.

Someone should design a computer that makes art. Not make art using a computer, mind you, but somehow teach a computer to make art. Like the computer could…make art…somehow. I haven’t really thought this one through.

Don Delilo’s Underworld is the perfect size for propping my air conditioner up on my windowsill come summertime.

I have a friend who’s currently watching Deadwood who wants to bring the phrase “hooplehead” back into general use. He has my full backing.

98% of old television show plots wouldn’t work in a world where cell phones exist.

I don’t understand plays.

They can swear an awful lot on basic cable nowadays.

I’m Pretty Sure I Hate Lost

There are only three episodes left in the weirdest show I’ve ever watched on television and I have no idea what’s going on anymore. Not in the plot, not with the characters, not with myself.

All I know is sometime back when my favorite character somehow stopped being my favorite character and instead became the embodiment of a bad special effect I started grumbling a lot about how stupid Lost had become. Actually, maybe it was back when Charlie was killed for absolutely no reason except to have Charlie die, or maybe it was when everyone on the show suddenly had expertise in all manner of guns and rifles regardless of their background or maybe it was when the writers started confusing slap-dash coincidences with compelling storylines. I don’t know exactly but it was in there somewhere that I started grumbling. Now there are exploding subs and surface to surface missile and I have changed gears from grumbling into full on bitching.

And yet I’m still watching! What the hell is wrong with me? I don’t care about any of the characters, I have zero hope that they’ll salvage something interesting out of this soup they’ve created and at some point during the six hundredth double-cross to occur this season even Desmond started annoying me…which is saying quite a lot considering how much of a Desmond fan I was.

All these theories about what the island is and why they’re all trapped there? Here’s my theory.

Jack and Kate and company aren’t the ones trapped on the island. I am.

I’m the one trapped on this freaking island and now I want to get off only I can’t because I might miss something even though I don’t care anymore. So I have to sit and watch to see if the smoke monster can win a game of Stratego against god or some shit and then maybe I can be free.

Oh, how I miss my early, heady days of watching this show when I thought it was about a plane crash…

Can’t wait until nine tonight.

2010 Summer Movie Preview

I loves me some popcorn and explosions in the dark and I’m starting to get really excited for this year’s crop of summer movie releases. Therefore I decided to put together a little preview of some of the more interesting and original ideas Hollywood is serving up in the coming months.

First off we have the story of Robin Hood. Who isn’t excited to see this ancient Anglican folk tale finally given the big screen treatment?

I know I am.

For those who aren’t well versed on the subject, the movie stars “Robin,” a lovable outlaw whose weapon of choice is a bow and arrow:

Facing off against him is the corrupt ruler of the land whose wacky catchphrase I’ve heard a million times now during the previews:

These two will no doubt entertain as they fight back and forth in order to–

What?

Oh.

That’s not the right Robin Hood? I’m sorry I didn’t realize they had made this movie before. I’m terribly sorry.
Well then, this must clearly be Robin Hood:

I…what? Seriously? That’s not it either, huh?

Oh here we go:

You’re kidding me.

How about this?

Well what the fuck? How many times have they done this before?

You know what? Never mind. Let’s just move on.

Clash of the Titans I’m very excited about. This came out already but from what I’ve been able to gather this is a special effects show for the ages as gods come down to earth to “clash” with each other.

Here’s a screen shot:

Yeah!!!!!

I can’t wait to–

Oh for the love of….that’s a remake too?

Christ.

Okay, how about Prince of Persia.

This is supposed to be a non-stop action piece with kung-fu fighting and stunts the likes of which you’ve never seen. It’s going to be more explosive than The Matrix and Indiana Jones having a pie eating contest with Die Hard as the pie.

Behold!!!

Whooooooo!!!!! That’s really blowing my mind! Look at how…

Wait what’s that?

They’re not talking about the video game?

They made a freaking movie out of that? Despite the fact that no movie ever based on a video game has ever been anything but crap and no game based on a movie with the exception of GoldenEye has ever been anything but garbage in the shape of crap?

Well…good luck to them.

I’m sure it’ll be awesome.

Oh, also there’s a Shrek sequel, a Toy Story sequel, a Cats and Dogs sequel, a Predator sequel…or prequel or something…and a Sex in the City sequel. Not to mention a Karate Kid remake, a Piranha 3-D remake, the god-damned A-Team, a Romona movie, freaking Marmaduke, more Twilight, like sixteen books converted to film and, finally, MacGruber: a movie based on a Saturday Night Live skit based on an 80’s television show.

Because apparently Hollywood has just given up entirely.

The Art Contest is Over

Just a quick announcement here regarding the fan art contest that wrapped up last Friday.

Uhhh…so the fan art contest wrapped up last Friday. I received a very nice array of entries and wound up meeting a number of new artists. Good times all around so you can bet there’ll be another one of these, most likely for the sequel. A sequel to the contest for the sequel to the book.

The results won’t be coming out till a couple of weeks from now. I have to assemble my elite team of judges and what with Oprah’s busy schedule she can never make it out from Chicago unless you give her like twelve days notice so it’s going to take some time. Plus, have you ever tried getting her and Yo-Yo Ma together in the same room to judge a contest? Not easy. There was some…unpleasantness last time. Serves them right for fighting over Stephen Hawking’s parking space.

Anyway once I get my judges together I’ll have the results to you and we can all celebrate and laugh like children.

But the contest is closed.

That’s the main point here.