I loves me some popcorn and explosions in the dark and I’m starting to get really excited for this year’s crop of summer movie releases. Therefore I decided to put together a little preview of some of the more interesting and original ideas Hollywood is serving up in the coming months.
First off we have the story of Robin Hood. Who isn’t excited to see this ancient Anglican folk tale finally given the big screen treatment?
I know I am.
For those who aren’t well versed on the subject, the movie stars “Robin,” a lovable outlaw whose weapon of choice is a bow and arrow:
Facing off against him is the corrupt ruler of the land whose wacky catchphrase I’ve heard a million times now during the previews:
These two will no doubt entertain as they fight back and forth in order to–
That’s not the right Robin Hood? I’m sorry I didn’t realize they had made this movie before. I’m terribly sorry.
Well then, this must clearly be Robin Hood:
I…what? Seriously? That’s not it either, huh?
Oh here we go:
You’re kidding me.
How about this?
Well what the fuck? How many times have they done this before?
You know what? Never mind. Let’s just move on.
Clash of the Titans I’m very excited about. This came out already but from what I’ve been able to gather this is a special effects show for the ages as gods come down to earth to “clash” with each other.
Here’s a screen shot:
I can’t wait to–
Oh for the love of….that’s a remake too?
Okay, how about Prince of Persia.
This is supposed to be a non-stop action piece with kung-fu fighting and stunts the likes of which you’ve never seen. It’s going to be more explosive than The Matrix and Indiana Jones having a pie eating contest with Die Hard as the pie.
Whooooooo!!!!! That’s really blowing my mind! Look at how…
Wait what’s that?
They’re not talking about the video game?
They made a freaking movie out of that? Despite the fact that no movie ever based on a video game has ever been anything but crap and no game based on a movie with the exception of GoldenEye has ever been anything but garbage in the shape of crap?
Well…good luck to them.
I’m sure it’ll be awesome.
Oh, also there’s a Shrek sequel, a Toy Story sequel, a Cats and Dogs sequel, a Predator sequel…or prequel or something…and a Sex in the City sequel. Not to mention a Karate Kid remake, a Piranha 3-D remake, the god-damned A-Team, a Romona movie, freaking Marmaduke, more Twilight, like sixteen books converted to film and, finally, MacGruber: a movie based on a Saturday Night Live skit based on an 80’s television show.
Because apparently Hollywood has just given up entirely.