How to Change the Battery on Your iPhone

Step 1: Go to the Apple store. Get a reservation with an Apple genius. Tell them your battery life has shortened drastically and you think you need a new battery.

Step 2: Have the iGenius run some diagnostics on your phone which tells them the battery is fine, the problem is that there’s weirdness going on with some programs in the background and you need to reboot your phone and start from scratch.

Step 3: Ask to make sure your pictures, music and apps won’t disappear if you do this.

Step 4: Get reassured that this data is all stored on the computer when you sync your phone via iTunes.

Step 5: Forget to ask about contact information.

Step 6: Reboot phone.

Step 7: Oh dear god, no, where are my contacts!?!

Step 8: Weep, weep uncontrollably.

Step 9: Try to figure out why, when iTunes happily chirps that it’s backing up your contacts, what it’s actually doing is pretending to send them to a program that hasn’t existed on a computer since Windows XP.

Step 10: Rejoice! There’s an option to reload your contacts from your SIM card.

Step 11: Realize that this just means the contacts you originally imported into your phone when you first bought it years ago are there. Also realize that you don’t actually know what a SIM card is.

Step 12: Drink whiskey.

Step 13: Hey whayyda minute. Ishn’t my phone backed up like…ALL the time?! Right? Ish…umma… whaddya MEAN Windows 7 threw out the default option that iPhone syncs with how the hell am I…yeah so fuckyou tooo!

Step 14: Repeat Step 12 until pain is numbed.

Step 15: And if I wanna eat pizzsha umm gonna EAT pizzsha and not you not nobody else izzgunna stop me…boobs….*clunk*


  1. Ahh this makes me even more nervous about getting my iphone sorted with apple. The battery life on them is ridiculously bad, especially on *cough* jailbroken *cough* ones. Thanks for the heads up

    • josephdevon says:

      I will say this, assuming I had backed everything up via a third program or made copies myself or whatever, the rebuilding process has drastically improved my phone’s battery life and speed.