My Spam Folder

The level of a criminal’s game must step up in order to fit into the level of the apparatus he is trying to break.

Did that sound smart? The plan was to write something that sounded smart then get across the point that the spam I get here on my site is eight hundred times weirder than the spam individuals get in their email inbox. Right? Good? Okay.

Whenever it comes time to dump my spam box I wind up scrolling through the comments, at first looking for false positives, but then degrading into trying to figure out just what the point of some of these things are. It’s sort of my job to get into the heads of other people, and it’s good clean fun for me to try to get into the heads of weirdos and criminals, so this end result shouldn’t be that surprising. Some part of me wants to figure out what the thinking is behind this stuff.

Some are obvious:

This spammer tried to put a comment on my blog that provides a link to a site that, I have to imagine, sells vicodin. I never actually checked on that but if there’s some other scam at play here then I’m completely out of touch with what’s going on and should just give up, but it seems pretty straightforward.

This one seems equally straightforward at first but then get a little squirrely once you take a look. It’s the same basic concept, only for an online casino:

But…huh? Why does it start off with, “Allow to pass the beast with two backs?”

That’s Shakespeare. It’s from Othello. They’re talking about sex. Shakespeare’s characters, that is, I have no idea what this spammer is talking about.

Did I get this because they know my site is literary based? Is that an attempt at camouflage? Do they think a reader will come along, think, “Oh this is a Shakespeare discussion,” go to their site, sign up, lose $47,000 dollars, and then suddenly realize that something is wrong?

And speaking of nonsensical gibberish:

What possible use could slipping the following comment onto my site serve?

Is someone going to read that and think, “…”

Actually you know what? I can’t even envision a scenario which results in that comment getting anyone in the world to click on the link to learn more. This is clearly some sort of text generating robot that sends non-stop comments to blogs all over the place, “spamming them,” if you will, in the hopes that some blind clicks come through.

And you know what? Some blind clicks must come through because otherwise they would stop trying this ridiculousness (unless there’s some other hack going on, but I’m not a computer super-genius so for the purposes of a wrap-up here we’re ignoring that). And, honestly? The only thing that I could imagine clicking on this verbal spewage is some sort of non-stop clicking robot that goes around randomly clicking on links throughout the internet to serve some other purpose I can’t fathom.

So what we really have here are two robots trying to connect, one forever spouting nonsense, the other forever clicking on nonsense in the hopes that maybe, possibly, some day…


And then their children become self-aware and destroy us all.


  1. Joe,

    It’s deeper that that…it’s all in the authors names. You need Google to help look into it.

    Detox Vicodin was obviously just a practice run. Working out the kinks

    Riseneine is a World Of Warcraft Guild explaining that life is just a roll of the dice or a spin of the wheel

    Dwight Beecham is the owner of a company that makes household furniture making sure you have a place to sit down and figure all this out

    Noel Loffier is from a famous Austrian family who emigrated to the US where they ended up marrying people like Israel Katz and Wyni Dubowa

    It has nothing to do with robot lust it’s all a plot by UPPER (Union of Pedantic Procrastinators and Erstwhile Rabid TImewasters) and you’re not the only one who has wasted an entire morning trying to make sense of this instead of working

    Lord help us all………….