Video Games Are Weird

While doing some Christmas browsing this week I wound up, as I usually do whenever I use the internet, wading hip-deep through some site’s archives plunging my hand into those murky waters to pull up fish both ludicrous and bizarre.

How’s that for metaphor?

I was poking around looking for video games so all of my fish were strange video games. How strange? I don’t know, that depends on if you’ve ever fantisized about running your own prison:

I’m vaguely torn here. Actually, no I’m not, because apparently it’s a horrible game, but if it were a well made game I might be torn. Over the course of my video game life I’ve done things like run zoos, movie studios and amusement parks. How much different would this be? House prisoners to earn cash from the state, right? Learn to manage security weighed again your prison population’s animalistic urge to riot if beaten too severely. Perhaps I earn upgrades like improved fire hoses and more thorough anal cavity searches?

Uhhh…yeah I’m no longer torn. Then again this is apparently the fourth game in this series. Well-played, reality. You win again.

Say, do you like eating?

Do you like eating a lot?

Oh yeah, this one has been a long time coming. Again, it’s apparently a horrible game so there isn’t a lot of wiggle room here and yet, again, I’m torn because I do sort of like watching that hot dog eating contest every year on the 4th of July. Surely the excitement of cramming beef into your craw could translate well into a video game? Hmm…on the other hand I’m usually bored before the hot dog eating contest is over and that only happens once a year. It’s okay though, apparently you earn power ups in this game that allow you to burp really loudly in your opponents face to distract him from his own eating. So I’m sure that innovative sort of game play could carry me through an entire campaign.

And now we come to the coup de grace. The piece de thing. The foreign sounding words whose meaning I only vaguely understand.

I’m actually sitting here giggling as I write this because this game is just too fucking absurd.

That’s just…I mean I can imagine the urge to appeal to a certain demographic with your video games. Selling to horny teenagers surely works for Hollywood, and a number of other games for that matter, so, yeah, sure. I get that. But this isn’t…I mean what the fuck is this? That cover art doesn’t exactly scream “Forbidden Erotic Delights!” It’s more like it’s screaming, “Physical Therapy Sometimes Involves Bare Skin!”

And the name isn’t helping. “Enjoy Your Massage?” Who’s giving the massage here? Part of me is dying to play this game because I’m half-convinced it’s a game where you have to lie there and enjoy a massage, racking up massive combo multipliers as you…lie there and enjoy a massage. This could be ground-breaking.

A brief look through the various reviews informed me that, sadly, you are the masseuse in this game and that you have to move your Wii-mote to do shit or something. It doesn’t matter, it’s a horrible game as well. But, again, that name just keeps leaping out at me and making me laugh hysterically. This is a crap game designed to be sold to people who want to use their Wii remote to caress digital women. “Enjoy Your Massage,” is not what you name a game like this. Try, I don’t know, “Bikini Massage Island,” or, “Hot Skin, Cool Hands.”

Fuck, even, “The Game Where You Use Your Wii-mote to Caress Digital Women,” would have been better than what they came up with.