A Crazy Pirate Emails Me

I get a lot of questions about the types of emails I receive from readers and what my fan base is shaping up like and when book three is coming out.

The answers are: varied; scoring high amongst gamers, housewives, and dominatrix phone sex operators; every time you ask that I kill off a character.

I did receive one email recently that I wanted to share with you. I stumbled across a website where a women was offering to “sell you e-books and then ship them to you.” This struck me as odd, to say the least. So, I started poking around and discovered that the list of books she was selling included titles by J. K. Rowling, Stephen King, Robert Ludlum, and many others.

I grew suspicious that this random page actually held the rights to these books and, long story short, I helped shut down a pirate.

I recieved numerous emails from this person during this process.

I will include one here.

It is a vortex of crazy…like real crazy, not fun crazy:

Greetings,I am sorry that this offends you so much, and I understand, I am normally a single mother doing good for herself I went from 60k to less than20 k a year when I was told that I would be on dialysis and that I couldn’t work at all I had to foucus on my health.Futhermore my mom was ill right before this and my two sibling are younger and more childsh thanks any toddler my bother does not even take of his children, cheated on his ex wife, beat her, divorsed her with nothing, and shacked up with another woman for the last 10 years(my brother is almost 13) years older thank me he had a different father, and my dad raised him since he was 7 the new girlfrien takes his beathing, verbal, mental, phical and when I try to help he trying to go ape shit on me.My sister is the baby(6ys) younger than me I tried to protect her on a daily basis from my parents going at eachother throats, don’t get me wron my dad had a janitoral company making it quite welll for the 80’s we went to private school and stayed in one of the best houses in the neighbord, I went to church3 times a week, my mom workked for the state of micgan until she rited when she got too sick to work, she had a little hear attack, and nuphoma and her tb come out and spread, I found out after the fact that I have to have chest xtrays from now on as well as my daughter.My mom is onoxygen not and she wants to live on het own, but the once safe neighboord she lived in is a thing of the past, the 70 year old woman was held at gunpoint and beated before she passed from other injuries within a year time, and my mother thinks that it is safe with a alam, and she still leaves the door open somethime, and my fears are alive and wee, my brother is supposed to take care of her,he comes by doest talk to her bairly, comes around when her pension and ss check come in so he can get his orition case he olny wikes to be his own boss when he is scamming people:)My sister is a self centered biotch that thinks that she is a princess, I am to bllame I hid as many of my parents fights, verblly, and phically but she still has a rouch understanding of it, and when my dad drug habbit, and prosition became too much my mom finally got done when he broke in the house afte r she kicked him out for good \, he was a suspect in a robbery and she just timed and I think thats when her depression statred, thinkin back on now. at the end of the marrige my mom wen back to college, and one of her proffesors and her were very fond of eachother, she did not know when she made me stay in the libary of the school I let a guy come to one of the private rooms and make out, but one day he did not make it so I was snooping aroung and caught her is a very unladylike position, and all that ccame to my mind was (har har) take that dad you cheating slutbag of a hore, I men he maybe a friend or two would come back to the guys house if I told him, and I know at the time my dad had no soul nor love for any thing or one besides his drugs, women, power, respect, me and my sister sometime, and never mytwo sister and a brother that I just found out about a year ago, he will not tell me how to find them neighter, I t’s always felt like I had a piece missing.My child hood, I had alll the toys at christmas birthdays, snever went hungy till my dad left, got my hair done twice a moth shopping on a monthy basis, but I wanted a fammily that loved me for me.I was moleasted by a family member around 9 I do not think that there was any penetration, but I blocked out that whole experienc and who the person is my love respect and honor dided for him that day, to this day he has never been with my child alone and she is 12.I was the fat kid in the school uniform I am still the same higt that I was when I was 10, I got made fun of buy boys girls, then i started my period early wow , and dthen my boobs when from a a cup to a d you know how many fat ass bigtittes jokes there areout thhere, well I surived that hell to enther public school let’s just say it was the biggest mistake of my life I wanted to see what everyday kids did, even though I eas one of them now, my mom worked two jobs to keep the house over our heard in the two prior years he didi not pay many bills and he was homes, drug addict with a job, so whom doo you think the judge take sides.So I looked for attention in boys , boys, boys, never sex but I realized I would not be mu mother anymore and I wanted to get guys to do whatever I want back then my body was a hourclass and my toucge was the dagger, I was in jrotc, cheerleading, pom pom, volleyball, student goverment, studet council, drama, yearbook, etc. I was the woman and I got gifts, shopping spreees, expensive date, cash so I could help my mother out.I will fast fowrd to when I had to take two jobs to make sure my did not loose the house my dad I guess won the lotto alot without claimikng taxes laugh on me, so I had to quite being the popular girl and do what I had to do so I did not grduate 2 classes in high schooll and my gpa was over a3 at all times, when I expained to my mother sistermand brother, they just bought it I know they know but it makes me wonder how much love is there,.I will overview that time when I thought I met the knight in shing armor and he wisked me on my feel he was9 yrs older, and 3 months before our wedding in my house he was in the showe and his sons mother was naked in my bed and not a condom wrapper in site, so I went to jail that daylol long story. did i mnetion that i was pregnat withimy daughter at the time, and being in anger managemetn classes at6 month pregnant is not fun, so fast foward alolt of other shit haooend but I met another guy when I was 24 he was like a breath of fresh air he was tring to pull that I just want to be bedroom buddies, but he wanted to get closer still to this day he is two peple the bachelor and the family man.We got pregnant and I found out that my kidneyh are at 50 percent and I di dnot have any systoms, so I was in the hosipital7 times in 6 months until I started didalysis, but I lost the baby. there is not a day goes buy where I don’t miss her she saved my life that’s why her name is angel faith fitzpatrick, wee I got pregnant a year later lets just say even with a condom things happen, and no birthcontrol works owhen you are on dialysis II mad it o six months and he left me alone, since then I fell so hollow but I hide it well always have I am a great accctres, that had got a girt from god in nov 2009 and got a newkidney.But since then I had to put my daughr in therapy due to the fact that she wont atalk about me about my illness, and we are sooo close, I lost so many friends and family when I got sice I thought maybe if they start now my dearth wont be so bad even though when they needed me I was ther, so I sell these book, cause I need bed, my medicince I like to take and breath tha precious air every day is limited for me i am 33 in three week and I am not expected to make it to 59 howa that for bites ass my daughter needs clothes, shoes, coats, her meds, food, and rent I moved to one of the better school district due to the fact they can help with her learning disablies, so if i don’t eat sometimes so what.I am sorry I offened you and I can do anything phically anymore with all my arthris, migranes, immune system, stomach problem I have had three sughers since and have 4 more scheduled soon before the year is out thi is my life and I try I do I do what I have to do alll my daught has is me, so I am sorry I offend you and I just wanted you to know why thanks again and sorry ( and I will remove your book) sorry again ūüôĀ but to help you out here are some other women that sell ebooks1. http://myworld.ebay.com/queenbeecocoa/&_trksid=p3984.m1438.l2754http://ebookcollection.yolasite.com/ and there is her page2. http://myworld.ebay.com/ann.tracy.marr/&_trksid=p3984.m1438.l27543. http://myworld.ebay.com/barienstevenson/&_trksid=p3984.m1438.l27544. http://myworld.ebay.com/jmiller2311/&_trksid=p3984.m1438.l2754Jai:)
Sorry again and I know the choice I made was a bad one but my pills had to be purchased or I will be back on dialysis sorry email me if you need anything else. thanks again

My Blog Tour

Recently I went on a tour of the interwebs, giving interviews and writing guests posts at various sites.

I’ve posted some of them in some places but now that all of them are up I wanted to list them in one place for¬†convenience’s¬†sake.

Thanks so much to everyone who hosted me!

First there was an interview at Back of the Book Reviews in which I my thoughts on Snooki came up for some reason. You can read that here.

Second was Donna’s Blog Home who actually interviewed Matthew. That was a lot of fun for numerous reasons and can be read here.

Then I arrived at Jacqueline Paige’s site for another interview. There I discussed how aliens implant their ideas into my head and that’s where my stories come from. You can read that here.

Laurie at Laurie’s Thoughts and Reviews managed to score an interview with Epp himself. Check it out here.

At Sherry’s Fiction Writing Tools I gave another interview in which I waxed on about the Aenead. Oh yeah. Nothing gets ’em going like ancient Roman epic poetry. You can read that here.

Finally, I wrote down three quick tips for writing effective horror for Curling Up by the Fire. Fun stuff.

Thanks again to everyone and thanks to Fangtastic Books for organizing.

 

Review of The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo (Millennium, #1)The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson

My rating: 2 of 5 stars

I did not like this book. I did not like this book’s writing. I can’t even…a critic of mine once claimed that I often “confused dialogue and action for summary” and this hurt my storytelling. Having read TGwtDT I can now safely say, “THANK GOD I CONFUSE DIALOGUE AND ACTION FOR SUMMARY.”

Nothing happens in this book. Nothing. We are told that a lot happens but the entire thing reads like a sum up. In fact, at one point the lead character is introduced and we are told that she writes excellent summaries of the people she spies on. I couldn’t help thinking throughout this book that it was written just like one of those excellent summaries, which is so very boring.

At no point are we given any feeling for the characters, we never walk a minute in their shoes, we never feel their pain. We are told that they are cold, or that they are sad, or whatever, but nothing with any heart. Oh, and we also get a detailed list of every ingredient that anyone puts on a sandwich. So, yeah, my pulse never went up while reading but I knew whether or not our hero had capers on her sandwich. And, just to really break all the rules, we are also told whenever one of our detectives is *going* to find a break in the case in the near future. Oh the suspense.

Annoyingly there’s a great murder mystery buried under all of this, but the writing was just baffling to me.

No thank you.

View all my reviews

Your Guide to Building a Family Website

Happy FamilyRecently my cousin contacted me via text looking for some help setting up a family website where he could share pictures and news with all of his relatives. Since I have website experience he came to me for help. I thought my informative replies could aid anyone out there looking to do the same.

 

My Cousin: I want to setup myfamily.com but don’t know how to. The one thing that I can’t¬†do and want to do is a landing page myfamily.com where my family signs in and¬†then they can see pictures and other shit. How do I buy my own website?

JD: You don’t need that. Go to posterous.com

My Cousin: I want myfamily.com. Posterous doesnt do that.

JD: Posterous does exactly what you asked for. You don’t have to use a posterous¬†site. You could purchase the domain you want and run posterous through there, most likely via wordpress.

My Cousin: Hmmmm. So “myfamily.com” and then a link inside it that takes us to Posterous.com? That sucks.¬†I’m reinventing the wheel here. I don’t want to have my family website on any other website just my own.

JD: Go nuts. Let me know when you start using Posterous.

My Cousin: When I send you a message that says visit myfamily.com but with no username or¬†password you’ll know it’s done.

JD: That makes absolutely no sense.

My Cousin: It won’t be Posterous.com/myfamily.

JD:

JD: Posterous does exactly what you asked for. You don’t have to use a posterous¬†site. You could purchase the domain you want and run posterous through there, most likely via wordpress.

My Cousin: No that’s not right. I want my own website.

JD: (headdesk) Posterous does exactly what you asked for. You don’t have to use a posterous¬†site. You could purchase the domain you want and run posterous through there, most likely via wordpress.

My Cousin: No you don’t get what I’m trying to do here.

(five minute pause)

JD: (knowing he’ll regret reentering the conversation) Did you want to be the only one posting pictures or do you want to have the whole¬†family able to contribute?

My Cousin: If I can why can’t they? I’m not sure yet, though. For now just me.

JD: It’s a matter of the simplest interface. Is your mom going to want to open up a new wordpress post and upload pictures and arrange them? Is your sister?¬†Is your brother? Are you? With your own domain running WP you can set up Posterous, which has a simple interface, to be the method of writing posts. Plus, with Posterous running, people have the option of interacting with the site however they choose. They can receive and send things entirely through email, they can visit the site proper and post via posterous, or they can login to the wordpress dashboard and create posts there.

My Cousin: Does your family use it?

JD: I set it up for my family. My sisters used it for awhile. My sister-in-law tried to upload a video and quit. My mom insists she isn’t getting any of the emails but complains constantly that posterous is sending her spam. My dad swears he’s never heard of the site every one of the four hundred times I’ve explained it to him.

My Cousin: What’s your address?

JD: It’s password protected.

My Cousin: You can do that?…

(ten minute pause)

My Cousin: Hey I found this site called Posterous. I’m going to use it for myfamily.com.

JD: I swear to god I’m fucking adopted.

My Cousin: I can’t get it to accept my website.

JD: I’m done here.

My Cousin: No you’re not.

JD: What the fuck are you even talking about?! I don’t know what that means? What is “it?!” What is “my website?” The whole reason I sent you to Posterous is because of the numerous options it has. I have zero idea what screen you’re looking at right now nor what you are attempting. And you know what? That’s the whole point. Look at this conversation. See how you plowed through every answer I gave without bothering to understand what I was saying, or checking whether you even grasped the basic definitions of the terms I was using? Can you imagine that from my end? How annoying it was? Because that’s what you’re setting yourself up for. Twenty-six¬†hundred conversations with your family where they ignore whatever you’re saying. You know why? Because nobody understand the fucking Internet. But everyone thinks they understand it. And they think that it operates based on whatever magical web of¬†insanity and toad-sweat induced fantasy they’ve invented to explain it. You’ll have people telling you that their Google isn’t accepting their password. Or that their AOL can’t view picture files. Or that they logged into the site but it isn’t scanning their email. What the fuck does that even mean?!? I¬†don’t know! And neither will you because it HAS no meaning. Give up! Give up while there’s still time!!

(five minute pause)

My Cousin: Can google help me finish this website? That’s what you’re saying?

The JD Art Contest Winner

So here’s the winning entry. Please click on it to view it full size.

This entry is from Saher Imran and, as far as I’m concerned, needs zero introduction. However if I don’t type something up here the home page of this site goes bonkers, so I’ll babble a bit.

I fell in love with this as soon as I saw it, and every judge who I showed it to replied with, “Wow!” (or a similar succinct superlative)

Saher has taken one moment from my words and turned them into an iconic image. The attention to detail is remarkable (notice the cross in the upper right?), the contrast of the polished shoe and the splashing blood gives me the chills, and using no more than a foot and an ankle she has captured Epp more fully than I think I even did.

Congratulations Saher.

Amazing entry. Again, CLICK ON THE IMAGE FOR A LARGER VIEW.

And give Saher some love in the comments or by linking to her work around the web, please. Wow, does she deserve it.


Joseph Devon Art Contest winning entry from Saher Imran

Fan Art Contest: Honorable Mentions

The votes have been tallied. The phone lines are closed. The intricate network of satellites set up to collect opinions has been dismantled. I have my winner for the Second Annual Joseph Devon Fan Art Contest.

But that’s for next week.

This week is for the honorable mentions.

First we have another entry from Jackson P. Some of you might remember Jackson’s genre bending entry, “Cupcake,” from earlier in the contest.

Jackson P Entry for JD Fan Art Contest

I include Jackson’s work partly as a joke, but partly in earnest. A lot of people tell me they want to send an entry in but are worried that it won’t “be as good” as the other entries.

I can assure you I don’t care. I love everything that gets sent in that isn’t a drawer cleaning exercise. That’s why I have a committee pick a winner, because I don’t want to decide between entries.

Right. Enough with the warm fuzzies.

Click on the pics for full size views.

Here we have a rendition of Matthew by Wade Rasmussen:

JD Fan Art Contest from Wade Rasmussen

I rather like this take on my lead character (Wade opted to draw a “zombie Matthew”). He’s a lot older than most versions and he’s got a bit of a Sigmund Freud thing going on. I also like the way the otherworldliness is rendered, with the humans drifting along, off-color and ghost-like. Pretty cool.

Here’s a piece from Ethel Kambourian.

JD Fan Art Entry from Ethel Kambourian

Photography is the only medium that gets submitted here which I have the slightest experience with. That being said, I have no idea how Ethel did this. I don’t do much photoshopping but the etherial feel of this city street is a wonderful match for the mood of my books. Good stuff.

It says something about me that I always giggle when I look at this entry from Jack Davies.

I don’t know what it says about me, but it says something. Jack has a nice knack for picking out some of the more fun imagery in my books and rendering it in a metallic hyper-realism. Gross, isn’t it?

Here’s another, much less gross, entry from Jack:

A lot of readers have mentioned their love of Madeline’s scene in the park and I think Jack has a nice little work here capturing that. And please do look at Jack’s cartoon version of Kyo and Matthew.

We’ll end with this one. It’s from my sister so she can’t win. But she deserves mentioning too:

Tune in next week for the winner!